Identities

For most of us, we have multiple identities to fool others but we may not be aware of them. An identity at home, around our parents, with our partner, with our friends, at work, in our hobbies, in our charity/community work and in everything we do. To live up to these identities, we put on a different mask everywhere we go and this mask is different dependent on who we are meeting or who we are talking to.

Amongst one group of friends, I am seen as calm, laid back and take everything in my stride. How do I know this? Its been said to me. It has since become my identity. So what I do for every interaction with them, is play up to this identity. No matter what happens, even if I am screaming inside, I keep the facade up and mask on. Why? (This is already sounding like crazy behaviour).

I meet another group of friends. This time from my college days. In this circle, I am seen as the funny one. Always have a quick fire line. Bit sarcastic but funny. Pull the piss a bit. Always happy go lucky. But today, I’m not feeling good. So quicky quickly, put on the mask. Show no vulnerability. Adapt. Don’t show them any of that weakness. They might think badly of you if you do. Could end up talking about you when you’re not there. That would be awful. Suppress those bad feelings until later and cop on.

At home, I am the sensible one. Only one in the house with good common sense. Always do the right thing. (Wow that is pressure). But I’ve made mistakes that they don’t know about and I’m anxious and worried. What do I do, I put on the mask. I don’t show any weakness. I show no vulnerability. What will they think of me if I tell them I made a mistake? They won’t see me the same. I will be letting them down. They will be disappointed. I’m not supposed to be the one who makes mistakes. Bottle it up. Get on with it.

At work, I’m seen as intelligent and “always make good points at meetings”. When I speak, I say all the right things. SO another mask goes on as soon as I clock in. In the car, on the way to work, I come up a brilliant wacky idea that is sure to work. “This could be gold”. But I won’t say it. Why? Because I’m afraid my identity will be effected. I’m afraid they won’t see me the same again. So I make all my points with caution. “Be conservative. Don’t say anything silly. Don’t be too creative. Play it safe. Have data on hand that you know they will like. Stay limited. Stay vanilla. Don’t stand out for the wrong reasons.”

WIth my partner, I have another identity. Yes here, I am very close to being my true self. But in my head, I sometimes have to be the perfect boyfriend/fiancee/husband. “Be the best you can be”. I don’t want to let her down. She’s tired today and a bit down. I am too. What can I do? Put on the mask. Don’t show you are down too. I need to be strong. Is it because of me? I know it isn’t but maybe it is. I need to be the fixer. If I can’t fix this situation I’m bad at being a good partner. I don’t want her to be disappointed. Buy her something expensive. Offer her tea. What will make her feel better? Maybe I said something that she is angry at. I don’t know. I just need to fix it.

At sport, I’m the dedicated one. Always give my all. Play through injury for the team. Mister consistent. Can’t have a bad game. What would people think of me of I did. Will Dad think I played well. Don’t want to disappoint or let my folks down either. Put on the mask before the game “I’m feeing good. No worries. Not nervous. Its only a game.” But I can’t wait for it to be over. I’m screaming inside. Get the win. Hopefully, not be found out and I’ll be able to curl up under the duvet later. Hate it.

What’s the theme through all this? Pressure. The pressure of trying to live up to all of these identities. I mean we drive ourselves crazy. We go around feeling guilty for no reason for not living up to them. Yet they are all an illusion. These identities are not real. The masks are not our true selves. I’m playing to an identity that I falsely believe others want me to be. It’s the work of the ego in me. The false self. When you see it, you realize the craziness of it.

So what do I do to be my true self? The correct answer is actually nothing. You don’t have to DO anything but rather stop doing i.e. stop putting on these masks. A handy little exercise to ‘stop doing’ is to list all the area’s in your life where you have identities. Detail what they are and the mask you put on. Becoming aware of who you really are is to becoming aware that you are none of these false identities. Then what? Drop these identites. Don’t put on the mask.

Instead be your true self and turn to presence when you are in these environments. Notice, when you feel yourself wanting to put back on the old mask. It will happen. Become aware of your breathe, notice your thoughts and feelings when the arise. But don’t identify with them. Breathe. Enjoy the moment. This is real living. Time with friends and family becomes extra special. Creativity flows at work. You enjoy sport for the first time in years. Your relationships become healthier. Your true self shines through. The bullshit stops. You become free. You live.